Love and Hate
by redrccm
Summary: "I hate him, except for all the places where I love him half to death."


I hate him. Except for all the places where I love him half to death." ―Charlotte Stein, Make Me

~X~

Natasha held the world upon a string, she could manipulate everyone and everything. But not Steve Rogers. She didn't ever hold him, she couldn't ever have him. Not that way. And when he looked in her eyes, behind that mask, behind all the pain and grief, he saw the sky, he saw dreams, some of them which she had never even tried to make true.

Steve, much like her only had his memories, all the happiness and grief came from them. He missed yesterday, he missed his friends, the howling commando and Peggy. But it all seemed to fade away, to be replaced by new ones with the team. And it was beautifully depressing how he clung to them so tightly, how he refused to let them go.

No one seemed to notice that, but her. Natasha noticed everything and he knew that by now. And yet she did nothing to soothe his pain, an act he thought awfully selfish. But then, it was Natasha and she'd rather keep to herself and watch others suffer. It had been like that with Bruce and Tony and even Thor. But not with Clint and, even with the archer, what she had done was almost unnoticeable. That was the main reason why he didn't trust her, even after all they had been through with the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D, he found it hard to do so.

She was always landing punches and kicks at the gym, always running or lifting weights when he saw her. The redhead had moved into the tower and no one saw her. Sometimes, they even had to ask J.A.R.V.I.S about her, for not even Barton knew about her. Most of the time she was in the training room, but she went out too. And when she did, she wasn't back until early in the morning. But she never spent two days out. Ever.

One day, she wasn't there in the morning, Steve didn't see her and neither did anyone else from the team. They asked J.A.R.V.I.S to search the tower, but there was no trace of her. Natasha hacked the cameras and motion senses of her room, so there was no way they could know whether she was behind the locked door or not. All they could do was wait until she appeared again, she wouldn't be found unless she wanted to be found.

Three days passed before she appeared. It was five thirty in the morning and Steve sat on the couch staring at the wall when she sat by his side. Amazingly, she looked as clean as she did when she left, her makeup impeccable, but the smell of alcohol was almost unbearable. However she didn't look like she was drunk. Natasha didn't seem to acknowledge his presence there, she just looked up at the ceiling.

Steve looked at her, he wouldn't have worried if he hadn't seen the one tear that slid down her cheek, leaving a single black trail of mascara. She was nothing but the shell of the strong woman she once were. And he had never seen her like that before. He watched the scene with a macabre interest. That was the first time she allowed herself to be weak before anyone.

She looked at him and quickly wiped away the tear.

"Good morning." She gave him a small nod and stood, walking to the room with the graciousness of a goddess.

"Nat, wait." His voice was weak, he was lost in helpless contemplation for that woman that was a puzzle to him. For the first time, when he looked at her, he didn't feel hate, or didn't understand her. They were much alike. More than he'd like to admit.

~X~

The sound of the strong punches and kicks mixed with the one of the gym supplies landing on the floor. She stopped for a second and wiped the sweat from her forehead before continuing. He could almost sense her anger and frustration. He expected her blows to be half as strong as they were. They were almost like thunder echoing in the room.

Steve started to run on one of the treadmills, warming up before he could start to lift weights and practice his boxing. The music was turned up to the highest volume possible, and he moved his head to the beat, mouthing the words as he ran.

"Turn down for what?!" He breathed and closed his eyes, enjoying the drop of the beat.

When he opened his eyes again, Natasha had fallen to the ground and she laughed hard. Steve stopped the machine and took off his headphones. He looked around, searching for whatever made the spy laugh so hard to the point she couldn't even stand up.

"Nat, what are you laughing at?"

"I… I can't believe it." She said in between sharp intakes of breath.

"What?"

"You… You work out listening to 'Turn Down For What'"

Steve looked down, slightly ashamed, "What's so funny about it."

"I… I don't know, but…" Her voice faded, giving in to the sweet laughter that now filled the place. It was the first time he saw her laugh.

"You expected me to exercise listening to what? 40's jazz?"

She stood, taking deep breaths to calm down, "Yeah, something like that."

"Well, there's nothing 40's about my playlist." He was slightly offended.

"Mind if I have a loo at it?"

"Nope." He handed her the iPod.

She seemed so focused, cracking a small smile every now and then.

"Those are all very good songs, if you need any suggestions, just ask." She gave him the iPod back.

"I will."

"Steve?"

"Yeah."

"Let's fight."

"I don't fight against women."

"Spare me the bullshit, Rogers." She snorted, "I know you're just scared of losing to me."

"No, I'm not." He defended himself.

"Then fight me."

"No, I don't want to hurt you."

"I doubt you'll even be able to land a punch."

"Oh really?"

"Yes."

"That's what we'll see." He knew she was just playing him, tricking him into fighting her, but he didn't mind, it.

They both went to the rink. On opposite sides.

He watched carefully as she bent her knees slightly. He would strike on the upper part of her body, it would be easier to unbalance her and land the blow that would take her down.

Natasha prepared herself to attack, she struck him on the chest with so much strength that she almost broke his ribs. All the air he had gathered on his lungs left his body in one single exhalation and he fell to the floor.

She smiled at him. Steve stood.

Steve knew she wouldn't strike first again, so he made the first move, he aimed at her feet and squared his shoulders, so she would think she knew what was coming, but he hit her feet and made her fall. But she was too slow and she managed to get a grip on his leg, pulling him down on top of her. Her hair was mated to her neck, there were small droplets of seat gathering on her forehead and her breathing was heavy. He was sure he looked just the same way.

He pinned her hands above her head so she wouldn't try anything smart.

"Well done, mr. Rogers." She laughed breathlessly. That was the most beautiful he had ever seen her.

"Thank you." He smiled.

"But not well enough." Natasha used her body weight to spin them around so she was on top.

"I hate you." He joked.

"There's a very thin line between love and hate, Steve."

She kissed him


End file.
